“The best teacher is your last mistake.” ~ Unknown
This is for my lover who seems to not know what he has until he’s almost lost it for good.
I understand that you and I are programmed differently.
As a woman, I see love and relationships sometimes more easily than my amazing brothers because I am not scared of being vulnerable and showing the depths of my soul to the one I love.
But, there is coming a time when I may need you to do the very thing you are most scared of—because I can no longer be the cheerleader to a game that is in a continual time out.
There isn’t dignity in being the woman who refuses to give up on her man—when you still can’t decide to choose me.
I love you just as you are—but sometimes it seems that the biggest obstacle that stands in your way of getting what you truly want is yourself.
I know that although I think you are an incredible man—it’s not my job to make you believe that for yourself.
How I wish you would see that sometimes not being able to really let go, isn’t a sign to throw in the towel all together, but to hang on even tighter.
The thing is, you have hurt me with all of the game playing that I know is based in your own fear and insecurities.
I know when you say hurtful words to me—it’s not really me you’re saying them to—but your own inner demons you can’t quite silence for good.
And when you run away when I get too close, I know that it has nothing to do with me, but rather your inability to believe that you are deserving of amazingness.
But the thing is my love—you are.
You deserve a woman who won’t make your life harder, but who will greatly increase your overall net worth.
Not in monetary value, but in what really matters.
You deserve a woman who inspires you and makes you want to be a better man—not because you aren’t incredible already, but because maybe my light makes you want to burn just a little bit brighter.
Someone who shows you that doing the right thing is what really matters at the end of each day.
A woman who will have your back and heart, no matter what.
And although I may not say anything, I still see the women who you run to when you leave my side.
I see that you sometimes choose drama and relationships that don’t truly serve your highest-self.
While it breaks my heart to see you choose less than what you really deserve, it should be breaking yours even more.
Because these females who you drown yourself in, simply because they won’t push the boundaries and challenge you in the way that I will, also won’t touch that spot in your heart that only I know about.
But, as much as I have cried over your choices, I still find myself believing in you.
Some may call me crazy, or even a glutton for punishment, but the truth is, when you bared yourself to me, and let me see what was written behind your eyes, I know that I saw the real you.
Not every woman has the ability to touch you in the same way I do and maybe ours is a relationship that you don’t really want, but I’m hoping it’s just that you’re scared because it’s actually everything you’ve ever desired.
The truth of it is, only a woman who has the power to touch your soul will make you feel like you don’t deserve her and leave you running at the fear of intimacy and a true emotional connection.
So, this time I am just asking you, please stop messing up the best thing you’ve ever had.
I’m not going to promise that it will be easy all of the time, but the biggest obstacle is making the choice to actually make a go at this thing for real.
No games, no lies and no other women.
Maybe the problem is that even though I have loved you from the start, you were always just too unsure of yourself and of what you really wanted to be able to fully commit to me.
I know though that no matter how many half-hearted words you said or hurtful actions taken, that you never truly wanted to hurt me.
That ironic as it sounds, by previously not choosing me, I know that in your own way you were trying to protect me.
Because as much as you were confused by it or even tried to deny, I know that you care deeply for me.
Just as I care for you.
But sometime we both have to lay all our cards on the table and see what happens.
You and I are still here in limbo, not because of the many reasons that we shouldn’t be together, but because of the depth and strength of the ones that ultimately do.
I know that you like concrete answers—something to hang your hat on at the end of the day.
But, love doesn’t work that way.
I can’t tell you why we have this connection and I can’t explain my feelings and the affect that we have on one another.
Because when it’s real, the only answer is—it just is. Period.
Even through everything, whether we’ve spoken every day or only once every few months, no one has ever been able to replace you.
Even when I went out on dates with other men, in a futile attempt to move on, I daydreamed in the middle of conversation thinking about how that man’s eyes couldn’t hold a candle to yours.
And about how another man’s scent can’t intoxicate me like yours.
I know that the heart is a fickle creature and that sometimes it seems the easiest thing to do is to quit trying, because then no one gets hurt if, in the end, it doesn’t work. But it’s not a breakup that would be our ultimate demise, but the not knowing.
Because the truth of it is, I could be everything you’ve spent your entire life looking for.
And I am here looking only at you, hoping this time, maybe you will finally be ready to not mess up the best thing that either of us have ever had.