Dear Old Friend,
I decided we aren’t friends anymore and you may not fully understand why.
I recently read To The Best friend Who Decided We Aren’t Friends Anymore and it struck a chord with me. I realized that I was that friend who walked away, who gave up. I hurt you and that hurts me. But, the reality is, I decided we aren’t friends anymore because we just weren’t.
I think about all of the memories we shared, too. I haven’t forgotten all of the years we were never without each other. And if we were apart, we were texting or counting down the minutes until we would be together again. I think about the times when it wasn’t even a question if you were going to celebrate my birthday with me, binge watch Netflix and eat junk food, or hug me until I stopped crying and forgot his name. Because all that mattered was us. We were like Blair and Serena. Everything would be OK as long as we were together, right?
But we aren’t together.
My heart is broken when I see you post pictures with other friends tagged #bestfriend #rideordie #girlfriend, when I hear one of our songs and you’re not there to sing horribly with me, when I am alone or scared and you aren’t there like you’re supposed to be.
You’re just not there anymore and you haven’t been for over a year.
I moved away. I will take responsibility for leaving, for transferring colleges, for making new friends, for growing up. I know I left you, but that didn’t change our friendship for me. I never stopped being your best friend. I know I had to go days at a time without texting you back. I know I had to go months without visiting. I go to a new college, I have new friends and I don’t live 15 minutes away anymore, but when did that stop me from being there for you? When another jerk broke your heart, I was on the phone with you until you stopped crying. When you experienced loss, I got my shift covered and drove down to you as soon as I could. I never called anyone else my best friend, it was always you; my new friends even knew that. But it was never enough for you.
Maybe I am the one who officially decided we aren’t friends anymore, but you decided too.
You decided we weren’t friends anymore when you stopped being my best friend, but expected me to be yours. You decided we weren’t friends anymore when you intentionally tried to hurt me because you felt justified in doing so. You decided we weren’t friends anymore when you chose a boy over our friendship over and over and over again. You decided we weren’t friends anymore when you chose to be jealous instead of happy for me. You decided we weren’t friends anymore when you made our friendship a one-way street.
Friendship, like any relationship I have learned, can’t be a one-way street. It isn’t petty, it isn’t cruel. True friendship is supportive, accepting, understanding and is never less important than a boy. Best friends never, ever intentionally hurt their best friends, no matter what the reason may be. Once you do that, you just aren’t best friends anymore.
Now, I know that when you love someone, you fight. I know that there are going to be rough patches, but I stuck around for longer than I should have. You know this. I know you know this. I forgave you over and over and over again. I forgave you for things that I never in a million years could imagine myself doing to you, or anyone for that matter; because I love you. Even when you did the unspeakable, I still loved you. You were my best friend. That meant commitment to me. That meant loyalty and unconditional love. Until it didn’t to you.
I kept choosing you when I should have been choosing me. Well, now, I choose me.
I stand by my decision in deciding we aren’t friends anymore, but it will hurt me every day. I just know that it will hurt less than it did desperately trying to save our friendship, trying to save you. You have made it clear that to you, our friendship isn’t worth saving. You have made it clear that you don’t want to be saved. So, I have no choice but to let go. I have nothing to hold on to anymore.
Despite how it has ended, I still thank you. Thank you for our years of friendship. Thank you for all of the amazing memories memories that I, to this day, can’t imagine being topped. Thank you for showing me what true friendship is and what it isn’t. Thank you for teaching me how to be selfless, how to be forgiving and how to be a loyal friend. Most of all, Thank you for being the person who finally pushed me to choose myself.
The Best Friend You Pushed Away