If you claim that you’re not the type of person who would want to “win” a breakup, then you’re probably either lying or just plain confused about how you really feel. Yes, relationships are not games that can be won or lost. Breakups are not sporting events that weed out the weak from the strong. It would be impossible for you to achieve true happiness in life unless you learn to stop comparing yourself to the people from your past. You need to find a way to sincerely move on in your own life at your own pace without minding other people.
Okay, now that that has been made clear, let’s talk about the idea of winning and losing a breakup. Traditionally, the sign that you’ve won a breakup is that you are able to find yourself in a new relationship before your ex does. And essentially, losing the breakup would entail the opposite. You don’t want to be that person who ends up sitting on the couch at home just browsing through your ex’s Facebook profile as you’re munching on some uncooked cookie dough. You always want to feel admired, desired, and wanted to a certain extent.
But sometimes, this can be unhealthy because you tie your sense of happiness to whether you are being admired by a new person in a new relationship. You think that jumping into a new relationship would be a great answer to all of the pain and discomfort that you are experiencing right now. And even though it might feel like a simple enough solution, it’s not the right one. In fact, it’s far from being the right one.
It’s very unhealthy. Moving on from a breakup has nothing to do with getting into bed with someone new. It’s now about how fast you are able to get back into the dating game. Even if you fall in love for real and you take that person home to meet the parents, that wouldn’t signify you fully moving on from a failed relationship.
You only ever really move on from a breakup once you know that you’ve actually retaken ownership of your life. And no, you don’t take your life back by getting into a new relationship with someone else. You can’t retake your own life by diverting your attention and energy towards external stimulants. It has to be something that comes from within. You have much bigger fish to fry and all of it lies within yourself. Everything else is just noise. Everything else is just a distraction.
It’s really not about investing yourself in someone new – but rather, it’s about investing in yourself. It’s about you taking full ownership of your life and staying true to all your principles and convictions. It’s about you making your own choices and pursuing your own passions. It’s about you setting the foundation for your future because you know that you’re completely over your past. It’s about you having your eyes towards the future without letting your mind linger on what your ex is up to.
It took me quite a while to realize that. I was once in a long-term relationship that I thought would be the real one. And when that relationship ended, I was desperate to move on. I was desperate to get over my sadness and emptiness. For the longest time, I was convinced that since I was still single, I hadn’t really moved on completely.
Sure, I went on a few dates. I tried putting myself out there once more. But I never really let these dates develop into anything deeper. I had a little fun but I always wanted to keep it casual. I jumped from fling to fling and I thought that since I never landed myself in a serious relationship, I had never gotten over my ex after all.
And I genuinely believed all of that until one day, I bumped into my ex on the street and I realized that I hadn’t been thinking about him anymore. I had been generally unaffected by his reemergence into my life. And that’s when I realized that I had moved on from him without my even realizing it.
And I had moved on from him without getting into a new relationship. I had gotten over our failed relationship without having to find myself a new partner to distract myself with. I had moved on from my ex without my knowing and it’s all because I didn’t know what it meant to really move on from someone.
Now, I understand that time really does heal all wounds. I didn’t have to find love with someone else for me to get over my failed love. I learned that moving on is something intrinsic – and it can’t be dependent on another person. You can only ever really depend on yourself.