Why do all the wrong things seem so much more attractive?
A relationship is formed between two people who are attracted to each other in a romantic way. The key word here is ‘attracted’. This attraction might be emotional or physical but an attraction nevertheless. Over time, other feelings such as loyalty and commitment develop (or not), but the first thing is always attraction.
Now, what attracts us to the other person? What makes us think that what we have is genuine? It all depends upon our preference and since you’re reading this, your preference is toxic. Honestly, you don’t need to worry, about your partner maybe you kinda do but about yourself, you need not worry at all. You aren’t alone in your preference, a lot of people have the exact same preference as you do.
The problem is that no one really knows why they keep going back to someone whom they’re absolutely certain will break them. You may try to explain it to people who oppose the relationship, but they never really get it. These might be some reasons why:
1- You can relate to them:
Well, you might be considerably more “stable” but there’s just something about your partner that makes you see yourself in them. You think that they understand you and that you know exactly how they’re feeling.
I hate to break this to you, but you can’t relate to them. You can’t fully understand their problems nor can they fully understand yours. Different factors are in play for each of you. In no way am I saying that you should get out of the relationship and leave them alone with their problems. However, you need to realise that when a person has problems, they aren’t in a state to form a relationship. You need to give them care but it shouldn’t be as in a relationship.
A relationship requires mutual efforts but your partner needs to be in a state where until and unless they can deal with what they’re going through with your help.
2- You think you can help
This is probably the reason most people in a toxic relationship share. Honestly, if you think about it, it’s not so bizarre. You care about the person and you can notice that they’re emotionally unstable or have other issues and, in your mind, you’re only trying to help.
Don’t. Do not think that you can change any one. It’s not in your power to change someone without having the right experience dealing with people with such problems. You can’t document them and study their behaviour purely for the fact that you think you can help by changing them and not just because you want to understand them better. A human can not be your experiment.
You might shower them with affection as much as you can but at the end of the day, maybe they don’t want to change and maybe you shouldn’t try.
3- You think that it’s not them, it’s you:
When a relationship is breaking, people often take all the factors into consideration like conflicting time schedules, commitment problems or second guessing yourself. However, sometimes when your relationship is toxic, you change your entire perception of things, for the worst.
Your partner might make you think that it’s all you and you might even fight that thought for quite some time, but eventually you reach a point when you think that maybe they’re right.
How often can they be right and you be wrong? You can be blamed for some things but a relationship is based on mutual efforts and if the relationship is breaking then it can’t just be you. No matter what you might be led to believe.
4- Others compel you to go back:
Honestly, this shouldn’t even be a reason but it actually might be one of the main ones! Let me just clarify that a relationship has two people and not more not less otherwise it won’t be a relationship.
When you break up with someone, you often go to someone for consolation, which is natural. However, sometimes your social circle is confined to people who would favor your partner over you and would reignite feelings which you had to suppress to break up with them in the first place and you’ll go back.
5- You think that what you two have is love:
Love is indescribable. Sometimes you might confuse love with attraction or you might think that what’s holding you in the relationship is love, even if it’s not. When you think that you love them but constantly second guess yourself, it isn’t love.
Whatever made you form a relationship isn’t there anymore and sometimes we’re just not ready to accept that. We think that staying in the relationship is the right thing to do since they love us. You need to realise that although love is indescribable, it surely isn’t about second guessing yourself.
All in all, people can’t be moulded as we want them to be. You can change certain things about them and them you, but everyone has baggage and some people might have more. Love can not really be defined perfectly in words. Hence, someone can’t explain their attraction towards someone toxic because, well, they can’t put it to words either.