How To Win At Dating

Are you playing the dating game? Do you know the rules? Are you winning or losing? Dating isn’t actually a game, but the zest with which people approach the search for a partner is comparable to the energy invested in any sport.



We read books on the subject to try to improve our “game.” We commiserate with friends as blind as we are to analyze every minute detail of an interaction to theorize why he didn’t text back, why she’s taking five hours to respond. And no one has given any clarity on the subject. It might be the most discussed phenomenon of young adult life and still nothing has been said of any value.

That’s because you and everyone you know are approaching dating entirely wrong. You are bound to fail and get frustrated because you have an end goal in mind: to be in a relationship.

It’s not your fault. You are programmed to want this. Since you are a child, everything and everyone tells you that this is the natural progression. You want a relationship without fully understanding why you want a relationship; you only know that it’s something you’re supposed to have, like health insurance and a savings account.

But there is a much better way to date. You don’t have to be in the dark, guessing and second-guessing all your actions. You can approach dating with clarity and awareness.

You win at dating by not being invested in the outcome. When you drop all expectations of what a romantic encounter should be, detach yourself from any end result, you will find that you win every single time. You can’t lose if you never had any ambitions to begin.

Stop desiring a relationship. Let go of the fantasy you’ve built in your mind that no reality can match. Just enjoy getting to know someone without any motives, without comparing them to a fictional ideal. Let them surprise you. Open your heart and your mind.



Since I’ve adopted this attitude, I’ve found that men are more attracted to me than ever. I’ve done nothing to alter my external appearance, but this inner change has caused almost a gravitation shift in the energy around me. Prior, every time I chased someone, they ran away from me. Every time someone chased me, I ran away. There was always this imbalance of energy, stemming from the fact that I thought a relationship was a goal to be attained. This desire was only a manifestation of my unhappiness, being projected as a search for love.

Now I neither want nor not-want a relationship. If it comes, then I will welcome and enjoy it, but I am fulfilled without it so there is no question of seeking it. I no longer chase, I am simply present. I respond to whatever energy comes to me. Every man I’ve dated since has fallen under a spell. Without doing anything to effect a pre-determined outcome, each has ended their time in my presence by desiring me, wanting to see me more. I have my pick of any of them.

When you are earnestly dating in hopes of finding a romantic partner, you set yourself up for failure. You are dating with the mindset that you are not enough, that you need someone else to fulfill you, make you happy, make your eggs in the morning. Make your own eggs and you’ll find that everyone will want to share them.



A report from Michigan State University made a bold discovery last year. Studying 4,000 couples, research revealed that couples who meet online are three times more likely to divorce than those who meet traditionally. Already the divorce rate in America is nearly 50%. That spells doom for nearly anyone currently swiping on Tinder hoping to find their soul mate.

The feeling of lack which drives you to search the internet for the a partner is same feeling of lack which will eventually drive you apart. A relationship can’t be searched for the way you search for an apartment or a job. This sense of inadequacy will not dissipate just because you’ve found someone to share your bed. For a little while it might go into hiding, but inevitably it will return. That’s because the lack you feel is much more fundamental than the need for a partner. You are searching outside yourself for completion when the only possibility for true contentment is self-realization.

You don’t even know yourself and you think it’s possible to have a functional relationship with another person who does not know themselves either. At best you can have a partnership, two people living together, but there is little possibility for a transformative love.

When you have cultivated an inner quiet, when your needs are completely fulfilled by yourself, you become the perfect partner. Then you have flowered and your fragrance will perfume the air around you. You will find that people are drawn to you. Your heart has opened.



By Adrien Field for ThoughtCatalog