My biggest fear in life.. besides ending up alone… is the reoccurring nightmare I have had every since I can remember, Is where I Dream I am crazy.
Why do I continuously have this dream?
It’s quite simple, it’s because i have lived with anxiety and depression for the last twenty years of my life. Some days, I am the person that I portray, with a high level management career, inspiring a team to succeed whilst also maintaining a very self sufficient independent lifestyle.
Other days, I am still all of that… but nobody sees the emotional and physical effort it takes for me to get out of bed, where the 45 minute drive to work, I am filled with anxiousness and on my worst days there will be unexplainable tears, or I am physically sick.
There is no “set calendar” for those days. I wish I knew when they would be… but i don’t.
Anxiety and depression is an awkward combination of wanting to know you are loved and have support, whilst at the same time you choose to shut out every possible person that could hurt you.
It’s a battle between needing support and not knowing how or who to ask.
So instead, you often try and get through it alone. Why burden someone else with something you can’t explain? It’s strange, because I am a rational person ( ok there has been some questionable decisions in my life.. but I stupidly made these with rationale behind them at the time).
So for the successful career woman, who has amazing family and friends…what’s wrong with me? Today I write this knowing there is nothing wrong, besides wanting more to live then the mundane… tomorrow, that’s a different story.
I’m not quite sure yet what the day will bring… and the only way I can prepare for this, is to be ready for whatever the morning brings me and to remind myself over and over, it’s ok to not be ok.