I’m supposed to love myself, even if I’m single. Even if I keep getting my heart broken. Even if there aren’t any boys who seem the slightest bit interested in me.
I wish I had more confidence in myself, but that’s not how my mind works. I am unsure. I am insecure. My self-worth wavers, depending on how you treat me on any given day.
When you compliment my hair or invite me over to your place or actually text me back without making me wait, I feel a surge of confidence. On those days, it’s easier to love myself.
The rest of the time — when you ignore my messages and cancel plans and post pictures with other girls– I feel like shit. I feel ugly. Stupid. Annoying.
The tiniest compliment from you can make my entire day. But the smallest slight can make my stomach drop and destroy my confidence.
I can post an Instagram picture that makes me feel attractive, but if you scroll past it without pressing the like button, then I’ll feel like an idiot. I can run into you while wearing my favorite outfit, but if you ignore me, then I’ll suddenly feel unattractive.
You have the power to change my perception of myself. Your opinion of me impacts my opinion of myself.
That’s why it hurts so badly when you send mixed signals. When you take half a week to answer my texts. When you treat me like a backup plan you only flirt with when no one better comes around.
When you hurt me, I can’t shrug it off. I can’t convince myself it’s no big deal. When you hurt me, I break down. I freak out. I feel insignificant. I feel inferior.
You might not mean to impact my self-esteem, but your actions have consequences. Either I’m excited about how well our conversation just went or I’m annoyed about how distant you have been acting.
There are some days when you boost my confidence, but most of the time, you make me feel like I am not enough. You make me feel like I have been doing something wrong. You make me feel like I am not worth your time.
I hate how much I care about whether or not you like me back. I hate how seeing your name pop up on my phone brings me butterflies and being ignored by you sinks my stomach. I hate having such strong feelings for you.
I know my self-worth is not supposed to depend on some boy. I am trying my hardest to appreciate myself, to love myself, to take good care of myself even if you fail to see my value. I am working my ass off to become a better, stronger person. A person who actually likes the girl staring back in the mirror.
But I would be lying if I said that your opinion doesn’t make a difference to me. It matters more than anyone else’s does. It matters so much more than it should.