Aries (March 21st – April 19th)
She’s loudmouthed, bossy, impatient and impulsive. This girl won’t think twice about slashing your tires or lighting your entire closet on fire. She’s undisciplined, action-oriented and fearless. While that’s fun in the beginning-all that lack of self-control and devil-may-care attitude-I shed a tear for the person who crosses her. She’ll run her mouth about what you did (or maybe something she perceived you did- she’s not big on fact checking) to your friends and family, blow up your Facebook with public posts and will flood her Instagram feed with photos of her ‘just hanging out’ with other people to make you jealous. She’s like a toddler with access to a smartphone and your house keys.
The good news is, because she’s so impulsive and doesn’t always think things through, chances are she’ll just destroy the first thing she comes in contact with, be it your brand-new NorthFace jacket, your beat up, virus ridden six-year old laptop, or your ego. As long as you keep the truck locked in the garage and your lucky Von Miller jersey tucked safely away, they’ll be safe. She lacks the follow-through to go looking for the stuff you actually care about.
Taurus (April 20th – May 20th)
The bull is prone to laziness, possessiveness, jealousy, materialism and penny-pinching. She’s a whole lot of fun in the beginning. She’ll treat you like royalty-the lady bull will shower you with gift and home-cooked meals, long, sensuous massages, a powerful sex drive and an unflappable demeanor. That said, once the bloom is off the rose and the Bull settles into her routine is when things can turn ugly.
If she thinks your work-wife is a little too much “wife” and not enough “work”, prepare to come home to the Spanish inquisition. If you really cross her, that sweet little Ferdinand lass of yours will turn into Toro the Bull. I hope you’ve put away your valuables, because they’re about to get smashed to smithereens. When she’s really done (and mind you, it takes a while for her to get there, but once she’s through, there’s no turning back), after the screaming, the stomping, the pouting, the accusations and the destructions of your things (not hers, she’s spent way too much money on her things), you better keep an eye on that bank account- especially if it’s shared. She’ll drain you for every penny you have, and not think twice. The bull is soothed by food, wine and material goods, and if she feels you’ve crossed her, she’ll think nothing of emptying your pockets for her own satisfaction.
Gemini (May 21st – June 20th)
If you’ve hooked up with a Gemini, you’ve probably been temporarily blinded by her chatter and charm. Being with a Gemini is like being inside a butterfly pavilion. Everything is so light and easy, so pretty and stimulating, you don’t know where to look first. She’ll enchant you with her tinkerbell laugh and her childlike interest in everyone and everything. You’ll think you’ve fallen into a land of fairies and pixie dust. Believe me, you haven’t.
She’s superficial, ADHD, unable to commit, wracked with anxiety and has zero direction.
Everything is new and fun and interesting to her whirling dervish of a mind, that she retains minimal information and is constantly flying off to the next flower. She’s a tease, because she can’t settle down with one person but sex is also oftentimes ‘too much’ for her, so she flits about driving everyone, including her partner, absolutely crazy. She’s also incredibly moody, given her dual nature, and a ball of nerves due to her tendency to bite off more than she can chew.
Cancer (June 21st – July 22nd)
If you’re with a Cancer, be prepared for the tears. Nonstop. Over everything and nothing. The woman has zero self-esteem and is constantly looking for outside reassurance. At first she may seem interesting and mysterious, due to her hard outer shell, but once you’ve broken through and committed yourself to her, she turns into a stage 9 clinger.
You better have lots of tissues, endless patience and unlimited minutes and texting on your phone, because she will be on you, 24-7. A night out with the guys is enough to send her into a tailspin for a week. She’s not one to speak her wants and desires, expecting you to read her mind, and becoming livid when you don’t. This woman acts like she’s PMSing a full 24/7, 365. Cancer is also the sign on the mother, so she’ll be on your for kids within the first few weeks of dating. Don’t trust her when she says she’s on the pill- make sure you’re double-bagging that thing and always check for pinholes in the condom wrapper.
But hey, it’s not all bad. Cancer woman tend to have great racks, so if you’re a tit-man, you’re in for a treat.
Leo (July 23rd – August 22nd)
“Off with their head!” is the Leo woman’s motto. She doesn’t just admire Beyoncé- she actually thinks she IS Beyoncé, and you, peasant, will treat her as such. She has a jealous streak to rival the Taurus or Scorpio woman, only hers is compounded by a flair for the dramatic as well. Prepare for public fights, drinks to be thrown in your face, screams about how you were lucky she ever spoke to you, how she can’t believe she wasted her time with someone only made/did/went to (insert income/job/school here) and will stomp off, after stomping your foot with one of her stilettos.
You might think she’d stomped off home, but chances are, once she cooled down a bit, she stomped off to your apartment. You may very well come home to the kitten side of your Leo lady, now that the panther has licked her wounds a bit. You’ll find her curled up in your bed, smelling like a whole perfume store, skin glistening, makeup perfectly applied, hair cascading all over her leopard print silk nightie, and practically purring to you how very, very sorry she is.
Just remember…even kittens have claws.
Virgo (August 23rd – September 22nd)
The Virgo woman is the original nagger, complainer, and hypochondriac. At first it seems sweet- she shows her affection through acts of service. She’s so is highly organized so you’ll never have ask twice where your socks are, if a bill has been paid or what’s for dinner. It will all be pre-planned and taken care of, complete with an excel spreadsheet and a marked-off Google calendar outlining the next six months.
Slowly though…the nagging starts. The criticisms. The phantom sicknesses. Your house will smell like protein powder and B-12 tablets from all the supplements she takes (and will make you take too). What started out as gentle urging to maybe go to the gym more or take that night class will turn into a full-blown criticism of your beer gut and lack of professional ambition. While initially the sex will be earthy and sensual (although there WILL be a towel laid down and don’t you DARE get a drop on the sheets), eventually it will dry up completely. If that’s not enough to turn you away, the placement of the humidifier, nasal strips, compression socks, white cotton granny panties and neck pillow, to ensure a restful, healthful sheep should make you run for the hills. Unless you’re another Virgo, in which case you can live happily in a little hypoallergenic bubble with her till the end of your days.
Libra (September 23rd – October 22nd)
Think back to when you met your pretty Libra lady. Remember how she smiled, tossed her hair and gazed at you as if you were the only person on the planet, and the most interesting one to boot? Remember how you left feeling like royalty? Well you’re not. She does that with everyone. It’s how she gets her way.
It doesn’t take long for the ‘psycho’ to come out in Libra, but she’s so skilled at making people see what she wants them to see, you may very well never notice. She’s so socially graceful, so charming, and such a skilled conversationalist that manipulation comes as easy to her as breathing. She has such a wide variety of friends and lovers, and is so adept at keeping these people from meeting, that she doesn’t just live a double life, she lives a tripe, quadruple life. But damn if she isn’t so sweet and feminine and look to you like the big strong man (or woman) you are that you’ll ever believe a word I’m saying! (Believe me- I’m a Libra myself). In the end though, it’s not the lying, half-truths and manipulating that will do you in- it’s the indecisiveness. This woman can debate and deliberate till the cows come home. Lucky for you, Libra tends to be rather self-involved, so she probably won’t notice that you’ve packed your bags and left the city till you’re long gone. She was too busy debating the merits of ketchup versus catsup.
Scorpio (October 23rd – November 21st)
I’m not going to even bother explaining how the Scorpio woman reeled you in. Chances are, it was a mixture of sexual titillation, fierce intelligence and “The Rules”. This woman knows the game, and she plays it perfectly.
Should you cross her though…well…don’t say you haven’t been warned. Scorpios natural ruler is Pluto, the planet of death, destruction and regeneration. Their secondary ruler is Mars, the planet named after the God of War. It’s a potent combination. She can play a long game, and oftentimes will. Here is the woman that will live with the knowledge of your affair for months on end, smiling sweetly at you the whole time, while putting arsenic in your coffee. Here is the woman who will track down the person you’re sleeping with and begin torturing them with anonymous notes and threats, hang-up phone calls, drive-bys and all other sorts of mental manipulation. Miss Scorpio will do it so craftily everyone will think that your lover is the crazy one. Here is the woman that will, in the end, find your prized possessions and light them on fire, while she makes you watch, and then walk out the door with your childhood best friend, who she’d locked under her spell from the first moment she found out you’d wronged her. Revenge isn’t just a dish best served cold- it’s her favorite dish in the world.
Sagittarius (November 22nd – December 21st )
Sags, the archers of the zodiac, are known for their athleticism, sense of humor and chummy attitudes. Never ones to take themselves seriously, they are the proverbial ‘lampshade-on-the-head’ party girls, and their live-and-let-live attitude and bawdy jokes will have you clutching your sides. Much like their male counterparts, the archer lady doesn’t see the point in dilly-dallying around before jumping into bed with you. The reason you’ll stay? Even though she’s easy, she has almost no-hang ups about antiquated notations of female sexuality, and she won’t blow up your phone with questions about “Where is this going?” or “I never do that, I hope you don’t think I’m a slut!”
The real reason she’s not blowing up your phone? She’s too busy doing it with everyone. The woman has no concept of fidelity, and when you catch her cheating for the seventh or eighth time (and she won’t try and hide it, Sags are all about honesty), she’ll be baffled as to why you’re mad. She’ll then becoming incensed that you are trying to ‘own’ her, and the dishes will fly. Along with the television. And the radio. And your weight set. And anything else she can get her hands on. All the while she’s destroying your house, she’ll be telling you exactly how SHE feels, with zero regard to your feelings in the coarsest language possible. My best advice for the person dating the Sagittarius lady? Go into it viewing the relationship as fun, not fidelity, don’t ever except to tie her down and make sure you’ve got the number for a good clinic on speed dial in case you need an emergency shot of penicillin for when she comes back from her road trip from Vegas. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas- except for that pesky case of the clap she brought home with her.
Capricorn: (December 22nd – January 19th)
Chances are you met your Capricorn lady somewhere defined as ‘classy’, like a high-end auction, law-firm meetup group or interning at the White House. That’s because the girl has goals. She’s ambitious in the truest sense of the word, and nothing stops her from achieving her goals. Not even you. Especially you.
She’s the kind of girl you can take home to mom, with her twinsets, pearls and perfectly highlighted hair. She’s extremely intelligent, and will be able to talk recipes with your mother and politics with your father. She’s a firecracker in the bedroom, and most kinks won’t make her bat an eye. But before you sit there thinking “what’s the problem?” let’s take a look at YOU, dear reader. Chances are, you’ve got a family with money, connections or some sort of family name. She’s not with you because she likes you. She’s with you because of what she can get from you. You’re nothing but a peg on her way to the top, and once she’s reached the top of whatever it is she’s chosen (and believe me, she will), you’ll have served your purpose and be tossed aside. If the sex was good she may keep you around for a couple more years to release her frustrations, or even convince you to marry her, but proceed with caution. The Capricorn lady only has #1 in mind, and that sure as hell ain’t you.
Aquarius: (January 20th – February 18th)
The water-bearers are charming and quirky. You probably met her when she was volunteering at the animal shelter you adopted your dog at. She’ll always be unconventional and intellectual, and probably seems fairly easy going and upbeat. She’s the truest humanitarian, and knows her mind- when she makes a decision, she sticks with it.
Things will start to sour when all that unconventional, quirky energy becomes just plain annoying. You’ll struggle to follow her logic since she’ll speak in obscure quotes and non-sequiturs. Aquarius being the most detached sign of the zodiac, you’ll find she doesn’t really have any friends, just tons of different acquaintances from different backgrounds she collects. She has no idea how to relate to another person, be it physically or emotionally, so when your grandmother dies and you’re weeping and distraught, she’ll probably just stare at you and wonder why you’re crying- the woman was 87 years old, after all.
She won’t waste much time worrying about it beyond that, and just shrug her shoulders and stick her nose back in her book about underwater basket weaving or whatever asinine subject she’s interested in at that moment. Sexually she’s incredibly selfish- again, because, it’s because she’s got a loner complex and is completely disconnected from her partner or friends. She’ll let you do all the work, never once thinking to reciprocate. Eventually you probably won’t even be the one to leave- you’ll just wake up one day and find that she’s up and left the country to work with underprivileged llamas in Nepal, leaving behind nothing but her astronomy diorama and a few science fiction books she couldn’t fit in her suitcase.
Pisces (February 19th – March 20th)
No doubt you met this girl at a bar, because she loves to get her drink on. And her coke on. And her molly on. Anything to get blotto. Pisces are the addicts of the zodiac. While at first all that drinking and recreational drug use seem fun and free-spirited, it quickly turns into a string of crushing hangovers, accompanied by an empty bank account from all those trips to the bar.
The Pisces woman has even less ambition than the Gemini. Oh she’ll work if she has to, but she prefers to spend her days and nights at the bottom of a bottle, writing poetry that makes no sense, smearing paint on a canvas or simply staring at the sky. She’s got a martyr complex, and you’re fights will start because “you have no idea what it’s like to be her”. She’ll become morose and dark, speaking in short phrases and thinly veiled suicide attempts. Occasionally you’ll see her temper come out, with its drunk, lashing tongue and uncontrollable crying fits. Eventually you’ll recover from this one in a rehab facility of your own, once you finally realize that all the tears, booze and drugs were never really going to end in suicide and finally get up the strength to come up for air and dry off and dry out from your Pisces lady.