It’s no secret that I enjoy spending time with you. I like how you laugh so hard at my random jokes. I love the sparkle in your eyes whenever I catch you staring at me. I ship the movie nights we spend together, the day you got comfortable around me, resting your head on my shoulder and the day I found the courage to hold your hand. I like the excitement I feel whenever my phone rings and it’s you calling, and when you make me feel you really care for me. I am happy knowing that you like me; I like what we have right now.
But I cannot love you…
Cliché as it may sound, you are great. You really are. You are the perfect combination of an impulsive yet dependable person, of a soft-hearted yet strong being. Fairly, I thought you were the person I was waiting for; you were the person I wanted to treasure and hold onto. But, destiny is ironic — it always gives us what we want the most at the moment when we least expect it.
We could be together all day and laugh our asses off to so many things. Sure, we can still continue going out for dinners, movies, and parks; be sweet in our own simple ways. Maybe we can blame timing. Or, maybe not. But one thing is for sure, I am still unprepared to love.
It’s not you, it’s me…
I know, another cliché, am still enjoying the state of me being alone; I don’t have the obligation to send anyone text messages almost every hour, every day, no need to get up from my bed when I don’t feel like it. I’m living a drama-free life for once after a long time. I am enjoying my state of stability. The feeling of relying on myself in every aspect makes me feel good, and I want to stay this way for a while.
I enjoy your company, but I cannot love you right now. It is not because you are not lovable. It’s not because you are not wonderful. It’s not because I am still entangled in the past, ‘cause that ship has sailed long ago. It has been almost three years now, and I’ve healed from the previous relationship. I’ve gone out on several dates, but you stood out from the rest. You’re special, but
I am just re-discovering self-love.
I don’t want to be selfish by not reciprocating your love. But for now, I’m not ready. I can’t make you a priority right now. But if you let me, I’d still want to spend time with you and get to know you even more. As much as I enjoy being alone, I know someday I’d want to jump into another relationship, especially if it’s with you. But for now, that is not an option.
How do I make you stay without sounding selfish? I want to keep sharing happy times with you. Maybe one day my thought of loving again will never be at a constant tug-of-war; when I can simply love you the way you deserve to be loved.
It is not the perfect time yet, and I’m sorry that I cannot love you right now.
All I can hope is that you’ll understand me, at least. And whenever I am ready, I want to love you perfectly. I want to love you selflessly. I don’t want to love you anxiously, knowing that we are together not because we have to be, but because we want to. Until that day comes, all I can do is pray that you’ll stay.