The storm you have been going through seems endless, the pain you have been feeling is like a broken record of emotional memories that can be felt every single time they come back again. What you have been going through is a series of pain, struggle, and a lot of tears. But yet, you still smile.
You smile because you don’t want the world to know that you, the one who wants to be known to handle anything that comes her way, is struggling. You smile to fast forward your pain from helpless to strong, you smile to remind yourself that everything is going to be okay and eventually it will. Behind closed doors you are a mess because I can imagine how much weight you have to carry emotionally to be going through this every day.
There will be better days my dear. Days where your mind is finally at peace and the only things that are making you happy are the simple things this life has to offer. Days where you can easily look back on this experience and not shed a single tear but smile with closure and no regrets. There will come a time where you will be the happiest you have ever been and one of those reasons will be because of what you have gone through and what you have survived.
Don’t run from the pain, the hurt, and especially the memories. Sit with it, admit it, and embrace it. Instead of avoiding or numbing it, face it. Face the flashbacks that race to your mind reminding you everything you’ve lost, face the tears that reach your heart breaking every time you feel something and the fear of not knowing if you will ever be happy again.
Spend time alone for a while. You owe it to yourself to heal properly because sometimes the only answer to cope with chaos is solitude. You don’t need someone else to fix you; you don’t need something else to make you happy, nor anything other than yourself to complete you. Sometimes there are cracks in your heart not for pain to consume you but for the light to get inside. Think of it this way, when you’ve hit absolute rock bottom, the only way is up. You have nothing to lose, so why not do better this time? When I overcame a tough place in my life, it changed my whole perspective on the everyday struggles we experienced.
The struggle is a blessing. The pain, sorrow, hurt, and the loss will make you want to do better in life and be a better person too. It will make you want to prevent other people from experiencing the same type of pain you went through, you will want to help others immensely.
You are going to wake up and become a whole new person and I swear you are going to be so proud that you now believe in yourself.
When Everything Falls Apart
Sometimes life has a strange and cruel way of teaching us lessons. Not just lessons about life, but lessons about ourselves. People pull away, fade away, go away and we are left to pick up the pieces. This is the time in which we will find out the most about ourselves.
So here you are with a broken heart and a broken spirit. You’ve lost everything that defined you. You look in the mirror and don’t recognize the person staring back at you with tired, drooping eyes that can’t seem to un-see the things that gave you scars and brought you to your knees.
You get up every morning with emptiness, with no reason to start your day. You run away. You run away from the hurt, away from the dreams, away from the dreary depths of your bedroom that is too haunted by memories to feel like home.
You try but fail to socialize. Looking at your friends and family and wondering what it is like to want life. You see their smiles, hear their laughter, feel their joy and want so desperately to join in, only to be abruptly stopped by the screaming agony in your heart.
You show up on the doorsteps of loved ones, who watch you cry and tell you that you don’t deserve this. You see their vulnerable, helpless eyes looking at you with fear and confusion. They wonder what happened to the strong person they once admired. But they are an ear to you. They will listen, if not out of desire, out of obligation as family. Maybe if you project some of this pain onto them and say it out loud, it will stop terrorizing your soul and you can go to bed with a dry pillow tonight. Maybe if they see the unfiltered hurt in your eyes, they’ll say something that will heal you.
Time goes on and the hurt transcends into numbness. It’s not always a fiery pain like it used to be. Now it’s a subtle misery. A cynical way of life in which you’ve forced yourself to succumb to. There are still tears and nightmares that you wish would subside but more often than not you learn to live as a shrewdly broken person. You no longer ooze and bleed, but the emptiness discretely looms over you in everything that you do.
Food doesn’t taste the same, cities don’t give you the excitement that they used to, new clothes don’t look right on your body. Life loses its luster for you, and you start losing hope that you will ever find a reason to smile again. You begin to lose faith that life will ever genuinely feel happy again.
Because there is no one to share it with. You try and enjoy life on your own after sharing happiness with a partner for so long and it’s impossible now. Life becomes miserable. Life becomes a chore.
And in this life as a broken person, you learn. You learn about yourself in ways that would never be possible otherwise. You learn about the nature of your character and whether or not you are spiteful or forgiving. You learn about your ability to cope. You learn about the way your body handles stress.
You see the strength you possess. You see your ability to feel. You discover the level in which you allow yourself to really experience pain and reduce yourself to ash, because believe it or not, there is strength in vulnerability.
You essentially have to start over. You have to re-establish yourself. You no longer have to adhere to the wants and desires of someone else. Within this broken state, you can create the person that you’ve always wanted to be without being limited by the standards of another person. Embrace every quirk and flaunt every facet of your personality that you were too afraid to display before. Let yourself be the kind of beautiful that you’ve always wanted to be. And through letting these traits shine, you will be noticed by different people, the kind of people that you’ve always wanted to know.
Within this process of re-emergence, something will change in you. You will be altered in an inexplicable way. I once remember reading that the hardest part about heartbreak is not being able to remember the person you were before. And I agree with this. You will not be the person who you were before, but that is not a bad thing. You will be a transformed person, a wiser person and a person who knows themselves a hell of a lot better than most people.
Falling apart is undoubtedly a terrifying experience. It’s emotionally draining, physically tiring and overall miserable. But it’s worth it. Every teardrop you let fall down your cheeks, every nightmare you endured, every sting of pain you let yourself feel is worth it. Because after living life as a broken person, you get to start over. And this time, you’re going into life so much wiser than before.
Life will be beautiful again, I can promise you that. And you will get to see life through an amazing lens, with eyes that have seen both hardships and ecstasy. Getting a chance to start over will be the best thing that has ever happened to you.