Maybe one day you’ll wake up weeks or months or even years from now, and just miss her.
You’ll miss the way she used to hug you before you said goodbye or the way she used to make you laugh just by being her awkward self. You’ll miss how her hair smelled like, or how she just always knew what to give you on a bad day. Be it a hug, a kiss, or your favorite soda with a cute sticky note attached to it with little message you always found yourself keeping, no matter how small. You’ll miss the way she tried to make you smile after telling a joke that you took a little too seriously.
You’ll miss how she always apologized, even if it wasn’t her fault, just so you guys wouldn’t fight anymore. You’ll miss the sound of her voice and the lightness of her laugh, like nothing ever bothered her, but somehow they always did. You’ll miss how well her hand fit in yours and how you held it while driving.
You’ll miss the way she looked at you.
Like you hung the stars up in the sky. You’ll miss her eyes, her smile, but her nose you’ll miss the most.
You’ll miss feeling her love.
The way she used to boss you around for your own good, her sweet messages, the way she used to snuggle up to you and give you a kiss on the cheek, how she did all that she possibly could to make you happy, how she loved you with everything that she had.
And on that day, it will hit you so hard, all the mistakes and regrets.
All the times you were a jerk to her just because you didn’t know what to do. When you made her feel insignificant because you were too concerned about your ego. All the times you chose not to care instead of figuring things out. All the times you let her down. All the possibilities will slam into you with a force you didn’t know existed. Suddenly, there’s an endless list of ‘what ifs’ and ‘I could have done something/s’ and you will grab your phone and start typing something, because you want to at least talk to her. To see a reply come from her. And then you remember that you haven’t spoken in a long time and her friend mentioned once that she changed her number.
And the emotions will come down even harder. Memories will flood you.
But one in particular, how she stood in the rain that day after a fight, waiting for you, and how you walked away. You’ll remember how much she tried for you. How much of herself she put on the line and destroyed. But it still wasn’t enough for you to care and stay for. You’ll remember how you chose the easy way out. And you’ll feel the weight slowly settling. The emptiness clawing at your heart.
So maybe you’ll ask her friend for her new number and you’ll text her and she’ll ask who it is because by this time she’s doesn’t have your number memorized anymore. And you’ll tell her. How you miss her and how much you regret all the shitty things you did. And how you wish you could have made different decisions, because if you did, then maybe you’d still be together. And she’ll stay quiet for a while, not knowing what to say. She won’t know how to explain to you that she’s moved on and how she’s happy with her life. But still she tries. For you. And that’s when you know you’re too late.
That’s how you’ll know that she is lost to you forever.
She’ll apologize, because that’s the type of person she is, but you know it won’t change anything. Now it’s your turn to be silent, you thought telling her would somehow fix things. You thought maybe things could go back to the way they used to be. But they can’t.
So you say goodbye and think to yourself, “How did I lose the girl who made me feel complete?”