I should erase your name from my phone. I should delete your photographs. I should throw out everything that reminds me of you as a way to find closure and move on with my life.
I should stop torturing myself with the thought of you. I should stop scrolling through my phone whenever the loneliness hits. But no matter how many times I try, I haven’t been able to delete the texts you have sent me.
I know we don’t talk anymore, but I like reading through the way we used to joke around. We seemed so happy. We got along so well. It’s bittersweet to see how much fun we had together.
I should stop reading through old messages, because they are only making me miss you more. They are reminding me of all of the good times. They are causing me to question whether I should write out a new text, an I miss you text, a text where I spill my heart out and say embarrassing words that belong locked inside my mind.
But that would be a bad idea. The past belongs in the past. As much as I want to hop into a time machine, I can never change the way things turned out and I know it would be pointless to try to get you back. We are apart now. We need to keep our distance. It’s for the best. We are not meant to remain together.
You are gone. I have to accept that. I cannot keep fooling myself into thinking you are still around by reading through your texts from the height of our happiness. I cannot prolong the process of getting over you, because it’s hard enough without reminders right in front of my face.
I should delete your texts. I should erase everything that reminds me of you. That would make forgetting you easier. But I don’t want to forget you. I don’t want it to feel like you are completely gone. I don’t want this to become my new normal.
Walking away from you was difficult enough. I don’t want to leave behind all our memories too. I want to cling onto them. I want to remember the way you made me smile, the way you made me laugh. I never want to forget those feelings.
Maybe it’s wrong of me to save your texts. Maybe I’m making life more difficult for myself by keeping little pieces of you around. Maybe I am never going to get over you as long as your name is contained in my phone — but we shared good times together, times I cherish. I am not going to let go of my past. I am not going to pretend you never existed.
Holding onto our memories this tightly might not be healthy, but I don’t think denying your existence is healthy either.
I loved you. You loved me. You changed me. You changed my life. That is something to remember for eternity, even if it hurts.