I’m never going to forget our love. What we had was something special and there’s just no getting over that. The only option is to go on living life in spite of the absence of it. And that’s where I need to be.
It’s hard to imagine, but there actually used to be a period in my life wherein you didn’t exist. You actually held no place on my heart and your face had no bearing on my soul. You were just another speck of dust in my universe; floating along unnoticed and harmless. The future would later reveal that from being a mere speck of dust in the universe, you eventually evolved into being my entire world. It’s really weird to think of that evolution. It’s weird to think about how you meant nothing and then you became everything, and now we’re back here right where we started. Somehow, everything is the same as it was before… and yet, it also isn’t.
I really can’t imagine living the kind of life that I used to live before I met you. At the time, I thought that I was doing fine. I thought that my life was perfect and things couldn’t get better. Why is it that I can’t feel that exact same way now? What is this effect that your absence has left on my heart? I was able to thrive in a life without you before, but why is it like I can’t survive a life without you now? I am forced to face the facts. I am compelled to live a life that I no longer want for myself. I am forced to bear the consequences of the choices I have made in the past.
Let’s make one thing clear: I am not sad at all. I am not devastated. I am not depressed. I went through that stage already. I’ve shed so many tears for this loss. I am no longer miserable about having to release you from my grasp. I don’t get the blues whenever the image of you just happens to cross my mind (and know that you cross my mind very often). It doesn’t hurt me to know that you’re probably taking things a lot easier than I am; that you are probably moving on and living your life without me. These ideas don’t necessarily make me the happiest person in the world. Let’s not be stupid. But they don’t really rip me into pieces as they once did a short while ago.
It can be challenging to put into words here I stand at this exact moment. This is a place that I have never found myself in before. It’s like I was cast into a middle of the ocean without a map, a compass, and a guiding light. You used to be that guiding light for me. You were that North Star that always kept me on my path. You always had the power to make me feel safe and comfortable. You always had the power to lead me back to you no matter the circumstances. But now here I am, more lost than ever. And I don’t even have my North Star anymore. I have no light. I only have myself and my darkness.
Now here comes the weird part, I’m actually fine with where I am at this moment. That’s the absolute truth. Sure, I know I could be in a better place but I am not complaining. I’m not totally devastated about being here. I’m already here so I might as well make the most of it. I can’t really demand for much right now. I am in no position of power. I have no leverage over anything or anyone. All I can do now is try to be content with where I am. I just have to learn to accept the truth and the reality of things. I just have to be able to come to terms with the fact that maybe you didn’t exactly love me the way that I needed to be love – the way that I loved you.
Now, I’m not going to take away from the fact that you loved me. I’m sure you did. At least, I’m sure that you believed that you were in love with me. But where has love gotten us? Never believe in “all you need is love” because that’s just a lie. We had our love but we still said goodbye. Now we’re here and we’re tired. Now we’re battered. But somehow, your wounds have dried up and I’m still here trying to get back up on my feet. You’re living your life the way that you did before you met me. And I’m here trying to figure out where to go.
I’m quite sure that you’ve moved on. I don’t know if you’re hurting, but I know you’re fine. I don’t know if you miss me, but I know you’re still staying strong. You’re going to go on and live your life the best way you know how. That’s the place where I need to get to also. I need to get over you. I need to move on. But one thing is for certain, I’m never going to forget our love. What we had was something special and there’s just no getting over that. The only option is to go on living life in spite of the absence of it. And that’s where I need to be.