I feel like wearing my heart on my sleeve has always backfired on me. Being so forgiving has made me a target for narcissists, liars, and cheaters. My kindness has been mistaken for weakness one too many times.
I am sick of getting screwed over because people feel like they can take advantage of me and get away with it. I don’t want to be the nice girl anymore. I want to be the girl no one fucks with. The girl who gets what she wants and does not take crap from anyone.
That is why I hide my feelings now. I act like I don’t care about anyone or anything other than myself. I put on an act to protect myself.
Instead of admitting when I have strong feelings for someone, I use sarcasm as a shield. I will make jokes to cover up the way I really feel. I have placed a wall around my heart to keep out intruders.
Even when you mean the world to me, even when I am secretly dying to start a serious relationship with you, I will act like you mean nothing to me. I will push you away. I will take forever to answer your texts. I will distance myself from you.
I come across as cold, but it’s only because I am terrified of getting hurt again. I don’t want to let someone into my world, grow to trust them and to love them, and then have them break me into pieces after everything is said and done. I don’t want to go through that kind of pain again. I’m not sure if my heart can handle it.
After all of the heartaches I have endured, I feel like the only way to stop history from repeating itself is to alter my own behavior. That is why I act like I couldn’t care less about anyone. I act like I am only looking out for myself. I act like I am heartless.
But that is far from the truth.
I am still sensitive. I still cry myself to sleep some nights. I still care deeply about my loved ones. I still experience a roller coaster of emotions. I still give a shit about what other people think of me and whether my feelings are returned, even though I desperately wish I did not.
The only difference between then and now is that I cry behind closed doors now. I never let anyone know when I am hurting. I pretend nothing bothers me. I pretend I am immune to rejection and exes and almosts. I put on a show for the world, but when I am all alone in the middle of the night, I am the same exact girl I have always been.
I stopped acting like I care, but I still secretly do. Nothing has changed. I am always going to love with abandon. I am always going to fall hard. I am always going to have the softest heart.