~ “The only guy who deserves you, is the one who thinks he doesn’t.” ~
You didn’t think that you were what she deserved—and so, you let her go.
You whispered to yourself that it wasn’t meant to be—that someday, someone would love her in all of the ways that you just didn’t feel that you could.
So you let her go.
But not only that—you pushed her away.
You wanted her to stop caring about you, so you wouldn’t have to consider all that you had given up on so easily.
Though late at night, when no one was around to distract you from the truth—you still found yourself thinking of her smile and the way her soft hair fell against her chest when she was in your arms.
Yet even then, you chalked it up to primal desires and still told yourself that you could never be the man she needed.
Because by lying to yourself, you gave yourself all the reasons and excuses you needed to stay safe in your tight little comfort zone—so you continued to let her go, in a million different versions of the same sentiment.
Time passed—and you saw her grow and succeed in ways that you never thought possible. Not because you didn’t think she was capable, but because she simply outdid herself, becoming the woman that you knew she was all along.
And even when she looked at you with those big, dreamy eyes—swimming with everything she was longing to say to you—you looked away. Because you still weren’t able to decide if you could actually show up for her, in all of the ways that you felt she deserved.
So you lashed out against her memory, and buried everything that once sparked between you and made you feel alive.
You turned in the direction of others—yet somehow, they always seemed to remind you of the woman who looked at you like you were everything she ever wanted.
Still, you let her go—time and time again—hoping that one day she actually would be gone for good. Because if she truly left, then you would be relieved of having to face what most terrified you.
The kind of honest, pure love that you deserved all along, yet had never actually experienced.
Deep down, you longed to be the man for her—the man you knew she needed and wanted by her side—yet, you convinced yourself, through all of your sour lies, that it could never be you.
How could a woman like her ever need a man like you?
It didn’t matter what she told you—or how amazing and incredible she thought you were—because you could never see yourself the way that she did.
You convinced yourself that what you felt for this woman was anything but love—because it was easier to believe that it wasn’t, than it was to admit it might possibly be.
Because when we admit that we have feelings, we are suddenly faced with choices, and some choices are just too scary to try to discover the answers to.
And so, you closed your eyes and said goodbye to her—for good.
Telling yourself that you were doing it for her, while all the while you were really doing it for yourself. Because you just couldn’t see how it could ever work.
No matter what lessons you learned, you never felt like you truly deserved something that was this good.
You blocked her from your life and ran away from her ghost—yet somehow, she always found a way in.
She never took it easy on you, and despite how many times you let her go–-she never let go of you.
It wasn’t that she was driven by her ego, or in pursuit of some determined end result—but rather, it was that her heart wouldn’t ever let her give up on the first person who could ever truly see who she is.
She knew—that while you did love the feel of her soft curves against your body—you had fallen for her soul.
Although you never said it, she could see it in the way that you looked at her.
Because she wasn’t just blue eyes and kissable lips to you—she was a wonder that you never tired of.
And no matter how far you pushed her away—she was always there, reminding you of everything that existed just outside of your world, if only you were brave enough to take the first step.
And then one day, everything changed. You awoke to feel a tug on your heart you just couldn’t ignore this time.
You weren’t sure if it had been there all along, or if it suddenly appeared, as violet crocuses do, peeking through the melting snow. But you felt it.
It wasn’t all about sex this time, even though you knew you could never get enough of watching her touch herself, while she thought of you and whispered your name coated in sugar.
It was only then you acknowledged, that no matter how many times you let her go, she never really left your heart.
And as you experienced these new, budding thoughts—you came to finally understand that no other man could give her what you could, simply by being yourself. Because she never showed anyone else the parts of her she so easily exposed for you.
It doesn’t mean that there still aren’t questions—and anyone knows that regardless of epiphanies, there are still no guarantees in love.
You simply grasped that there weren’t really any good reasons why it shouldn’t be you any longer.
Perhaps you finally said “goodbye” enough times to realize—sometimes there are people who just aren’t meant to leave our lives.
So with a deep and careful breath, you realized—finally— that you only really knew you loved her, once you let her go.
And now—the only thing left to do, is get her back.