We could just never be together.
I still remember that last time I saw Evan. We were both sharing a slice at a local pizza parlor and then we decided to drive on down to the nearest cheap motel that we could find. We lay in bed and we talked about how much things have changed over the years; over the course of our “relationship”. We didn’t really do anything other than talk and I really liked that. We talked until morning. And then we had to part ways. I hugged him goodbye and that was the last time I ever saw him.
Evan and I had been dating on and off for a little over three years at that point. And I felt like the two of us got really close to being a real item. However, I couldn’t seem to get over that hump. I just never got to the point where I felt like I could really rely on him to be my man. I just never got that sense of safety and security with him. I just never got the sense that he was serious about me.
But I loved him. And it was a very lonely and devastating kind of love. I still remember the first time we celebrated Christmas as a “couple”. He had invited me home to meet his parents. Of course, I had brought some gifts and random Christmas ornaments to decorate the tree with. I got the sense that his parents liked me a lot. And it was also during that trip that I realized just how rich his family was. I had no idea up until that moment how well-off Evan was. I wasn’t prepared for the lavish mansion that his parents had lived in. I pulled him to the side when I got the chance and I asked him why he never told me he was rich. He merely shrugged it off.
I told myself that maybe he just wanted me to like him for who he was and not what he had in life. And if that were the case, I could truly respect that. However, I could never be sure because he never told me. On top of that, if he really thought that I would only like him for what his family could give me, then maybe he didn’t know me as well as I thought he did.
Evan and I first met back in college where our optimism was fresh and unwavering. We had so may hopes and dreams both for our individual selves and our relationship. I was consumed by that love. There was a fire burning deep inside of me that I just couldn’t contain. And as we got older, we gave “us” a try. However, something always seemed to be getting in the way. We realized that it wouldn’t be as easy as we wanted it to be. And that’s when I started to understand what it meant to work hard for a relationship; to actually fight for love.
And boy, did I fight. But it just never seemed enough. There was always something that was holding us back. Whether it be with careers, personal differences, clashes, disagreements, timing, or whatever. There was always an issue. And that’s when I realized that if we couldn’t find a way to be together during the hard times, maybe we didn’t deserve to be together during the easy times.
It was a difficult realization to come to. It’s always so hard when you love someone who you can’t just seem to make things right with. It’s like a poison that you give to yourself. It’s almost like committing emotional suicide. I kept on clinging to the hope that things would eventually work out for the both of us. I always hoped that I would get the kind of love that I believed I deserved. However, down the line, I had to grow up and I had to stop being naïve. I realized that I really needed to come to terms with the fact that just because two people love one another doesn’t mean that things are automatically going to work out.
Shortly after the last time I saw Evan, I met the man who would eventually become my husband. We were a much better match than Evan and I. However, we’re not perfect. But I’m still willing to fight. Because through it all, love is the only thing in this world that is actually worth fighting for. You just have to make sure that the person that you’re falling in love with is actually someone who is going to fight for you as well. Because if not, you’re only going to be asking for a world of pain.